Death on the Web: The How, The When and The Befores
The web is saturated with death--images, philosophies, ways to kill yourself, etc. There are also a number of sites that take a little of your personal information, age, lifestyle, etc., and then calculate for you how much longer you have left to endure, if you choose not to take the advice of a site featuring easy ways to kill yourself, of this ever tedious thing called life, or even how your life will finally end.
The Death Clock is a fast and easy way to get a prediction about how much longer you can expect to live. Just punch in some personal info about your lifestyle, age and health and...
In seconds it predicts your exact date of death, and even helps you to count down the seconds until that date, which undoubtedly you will immediately begin to do. It looks like I can expect to go down for the dirt nap in 16 and 1/2 years. That's only 525,088,072...525,088,071, 525,088,070...
The next thing I'm sure we all want to know is how we're going to die. I found this handy web page to calculate just that for me. It features the "new and improved" version Death Predictor. It is now able to predict not only how but when you are going to die. I already know when I'll die thanks to the Death Clock, but Death Predictor, new and improved as it is, promises to be as useful and accurate a tool.
Okay, I'm okay with the "how" but the when can't be right. I'm going to die in 16 years when I'm barely 52, and this thing has me trapped on this earth until I'm 84.
I Needed a second opinion, or a third opinion I guess...I needed an opinion to "second" the first opinion.
So I went here. This appeared to be a pretty careful site whose results would no doubt offer a reasonable prediction of the time of my death, based on all the unhealthy things I purposely do each day for my health. This prediction shaved a couple years off, but still has me living until I am over 80 years old, despite everything I do right to kill myself.
I guess I'll just eat a deep-fried peanut butter and banana sandwich everyday, Elvis Style,and hope the Death Predictor, though new and improved, got the date wrong. Come to think of it, if I eat a peanut butter sandwich right now I could be dead by the end of the day; I bet the Predictor did not take the current Salmonella outbreak into consideration.
Well, while I wait, i thought it would be fun to investigate what I did before I died another time, in a past life. So I went to this well-reputed site for figuring such things, entered a little info and...
it says:
I don't know how you feel about it, but you were female in your last earthly incarnation.You were born somewhere in the territory of modern Northern England around the year 1125. Your profession was that of a digger, undertaker.
Hmmm. That figures.
While still passing time alive--now with only 525,088,003 seconds left to go--I decided to check out another site that displays polaroids of people along with what things they would most like to do before they die. I figured, maybe I'd get some ideas of more things to do to occupy myself whilst I wait.
Nope. They were all lame. Here is a sampling of some of them.
You're not going anywhere...except maybe to work at McDonald's.
Today class, I want you to consider the fact that you are going to die, maybe soon...
Wow, aim high dude!
Um...you probably need to aim a little lower.
Just give up, you won't succeed in this. 
Before you die you will be disappointed.
Seriously, why put this off any longer?
Because you've clearly always been so up-tight, such a perfectionist, pushing yourself too hard.
Yeah, well, maybe she'll be in for a steak one night when you're working.
This site, I discovered, does not allow you to post your own polaroid and pre-death wish, but I had already taken one and was all ready to do so...so I figured I could at least use this site to toss my hat into the ring of death.
I think that sums it up.
