I Should Be in Pictures

Not all of us can afford a fancy digital camera or web cam. But that doesn't mean we don't still love taking pictures of ourselves, or that our friends and family don't love to receive our pics and see our latest look. Finally there's a website that offers a free online camera.










Just follow the instructions given with the camera...













a very technologically advanced piece of equipment it would seem, in order to be able to snap your photo over the web. But it really does work. It takes mere seconds for the image to be ready for you to pick it up and review it.










When I picked up my photo i was in for a bit of a surprise. I've gained weight.




















And I guess need to shave.

Death on the Web: The How, The When and The Befores

The web is saturated with death--images, philosophies, ways to kill yourself, etc. There are also a number of sites that take a little of your personal information, age, lifestyle, etc., and then calculate for you how much longer you have left to endure, if you choose not to take the advice of a site featuring easy ways to kill yourself, of this ever tedious thing called life, or even how your life will finally end.

The Death Clock is a fast and easy way to get a prediction about how much longer you can expect to live. Just punch in some personal info about your lifestyle, age and health and...



















In seconds it predicts your exact date of death, and even helps you to count down the seconds until that date, which undoubtedly you will immediately begin to do. It looks like I can expect to go down for the dirt nap in 16 and 1/2 years. That's only 525,088,072...525,088,071, 525,088,070...















The next thing I'm sure we all want to know is how we're going to die. I found this handy web page to calculate just that for me. It features the "new and improved" version Death Predictor. It is now able to predict not only how but when you are going to die. I already know when I'll die thanks to the Death Clock, but Death Predictor, new and improved as it is, promises to be as useful and accurate a tool.










Okay, I'm okay with the "how" but the when can't be right. I'm going to die in 16 years when I'm barely 52, and this thing has me trapped on this earth until I'm 84.


I Needed a second opinion, or a third opinion I guess...I needed an opinion to "second" the first opinion.

So I went here. This appeared to be a pretty careful site whose results would no doubt offer a reasonable prediction of the time of my death, based on all the unhealthy things I purposely do each day for my health. This prediction shaved a couple years off, but still has me living until I am over 80 years old, despite everything I do right to kill myself.























I guess I'll just eat a deep-fried peanut butter and banana sandwich everyday, Elvis Style,and hope the Death Predictor, though new and improved, got the date wrong. Come to think of it, if I eat a peanut butter sandwich right now I could be dead by the end of the day; I bet the Predictor did not take the current Salmonella outbreak into consideration.

Well, while I wait, i thought it would be fun to investigate what I did before I died another time, in a past life. So I went to this well-reputed site for figuring such things, entered a little info and...
















it says:
I don't know how you feel about it, but you were female in your last earthly incarnation.You were born somewhere in the territory of modern Northern England around the year 1125. Your profession was that of a digger, undertaker.



Hmmm. That figures.

While still passing time alive--now with only 525,088,003 seconds left to go--I decided to check out another site that displays polaroids of people along with what things they would most like to do before they die. I figured, maybe I'd get some ideas of more things to do to occupy myself whilst I wait.

Nope. They were all lame. Here is a sampling of some of them.























You're not going anywhere...except maybe to work at McDonald's.
























Today class, I want you to consider the fact that you are going to die, maybe soon...
























Wow, aim high dude!
























Um...you probably need to aim a little lower.
























Just give up, you won't succeed in this.























Before you die you will be disappointed.
























Seriously, why put this off any longer?























Because you've clearly always been so up-tight, such a perfectionist, pushing yourself too hard.
























Yeah, well, maybe she'll be in for a steak one night when you're working.

This site, I discovered, does not allow you to post your own polaroid and pre-death wish, but I had already taken one and was all ready to do so...so I figured I could at least use this site to toss my hat into the ring of death.























I think that sums it up.

Valentines Day Top 3

With today being Valentines Day, a day for lovers and romance, people like me, who nobody will even talk to much less date, kind find ourselves feeling a little bitter. Okay, maybe more than a little. Actually i killed the mailman this morning when he didn't have any Valentines Cards for me, again.

This month's top 3 is meant to change all that. Everyone knows that online dating sites are popular, but some of us still haven't had any luck. Well this month's top three focuses on alternative online social networking/dating sites that will help even the most bizarre and frightening among us find that special someone, maybe in time to celebrate Valentines Day for real by this time next year.

#1: 420 Dating. I smoke a lot of pot, and this, along with the bizarre things it makes me think and say, seems to get in the way when it comes to my quest to find love. So I figured a social networking site for people like me, who might come to a date so stoned they just stare into space and drool on themselves, would be a good place to start.









I signed up and created a profile.
















So far I haven't gotten any responses to my profile, but the day is still young.

#2: No Longer Lonely





This site promises to help even the most desperate and lonely web-surfers find their true love, or at least someone willing to talk to them. So with a heart full of love to share and hope for the best, I created a sure-to-please profile.






















And voila! In less than an hour I started getting email from interested gentlemen.















I responded immediately of course, but only to keep him on the line while I trolled a little longer for any other desperate and lonely hotties out there.

And in the meantime decided to sign up for membership on another dating site:
#3 Zombie Harmony













There are so many interesting members on this site, I know I can't loose.


















Currently I'm hoping to land "LonelyBill" if I can, he's hot and we have so much in common. But if not then "Need to Feed" is cute too. Call me boys!

Feed Your Food, It Looks Hungry

Last month, we rounded things off with a couple site dedicated to food, so what better site could there be to start off with this month than foodfeed? Here you can enter posts listing the food you have eaten, see what others have recently eaten, and search for folks who have eaten specific foods.













Some suggestions for foods/eaters to search for are provided in the search bar: chicken, pizza, burritos, pasta, etc. I, of course, prefer to seek out those individuals who boast of enjoying more non-traditional fare.











Kittens are still a little too exotic i guess. No one's really eating them, or at least they're not talking about it. But the site does provide for me to spread the word on the deliciousness of kittens and "tell the world about it." One word: tender. Anyway, along the same lines, I entered a similar search, this time looking for anyone who eats puppies. And this time I got a hit for someone who had consumed a puppy as a BBQ side along with beans and cole slaw.








Nothing quiets a whiny puppy quite so completely.

Then I searched for posters eating shit, just as a lark, but surprisingly, several had acknowledged eating it.










Naturally, I then created an account for myself, so that I might participate in this vital exchange of ideas and information. And then posted the contents of my breakfast.












Doing this might inspire others to break out of their everyday culinary patterns and spice things up by trying something new. In return, you get to do the same and learn of exotic sounding foods you had never heard or thought of, but won't know how you did without once you've tried them. I for one think puppies sound marvelous and I'm willing to try shit, even though everything I know is telling me not to.













And you have the opportunity to meet others on the site who like the kinds of things you do. Anyone on the site who shares my adventurous love of the bizarre and exotic, for instance, has a pretty good chance of finding me so we can share ideas and swap recipes.